Elena Vanishing

Elena Vanishing is a memoir written by Elena Dunkle and her mother, Clare B. Dunkle. Originally published in 2015, the memoir explores The Physical and Psychological Experiences of Living with an Eating Disorder from Elena’s perspective. It follows Elena’s journey through the development of and continued recovery from her eating disorder, which was fueled by The Desire for Perfection and Total Self-Control. The memoir also examines key relationships in Elena’s life, particularly with her family and The Patient-Practitioner Relationship, as much of her adolescence was spent in treatment.

This guide is based on the 2015 Chronicle Books edition of the memoir.

Content Warning: The source material and guide feature depictions of mental illness (including psychosis), disordered eating (anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa), self-harm, rape, pregnancy loss, substance use, cursing, and sexual content.

Summary

Elena Dunkle is about to begin her senior year of high school when she is hospitalized for health complications related to anorexia nervosa. Living in Germany with her parents, she becomes consumed by her appearance, striving for perfection and self-control. Despite already being underweight, Elena loses more weight, weakening her heart. She doesn’t trust or recognize herself when she looks in the mirror and often dissociates from reality, forgetting entire days of her life. Her doctor orders her to return to the United States for treatment, where she is hospitalized and fed through a tube as she sleeps. However, Elena removes the feeding tube when unsupervised.

At the Drew Center, an eating disorder treatment facility, Elena denies having an eating disorder and despises the nurses and therapists. Elena must eat with the other patients and is expected to finish every meal. She attends group therapy at the center, where she is told that her parents may be to blame for her eating disorder. This idea strains her perception of her family, including her relationship with her older sister, Valerie, who experienced her own mental health struggles and left the family to find her own way. Elena attributes her initial exposure to anorexia to peers at boarding school, who taught her methods of controlling her eating. Feeling misunderstood and frustrated, Elena leaves the Drew Center, believing it worsened her condition. A doctor in Texas further complicates her journey by implying she might not have anorexia. Soon, Elena begins purging after meals to maintain the illusion of eating. 

Elena returns to Germany and volunteers as a nurse, where she is reminded of Valerie’s past hospitalization during a difficult time. By Christmas, Valerie attempts to reconnect with Elena, but Elena isn’t ready. Elena’s relationship with her mother, Clare, also deteriorates due to Clare’s constant inquiries about Elena’s eating habits. Later, Elena starts college in Texas. During Halloween, she attends several parties, drinks heavily, and is assaulted by someone she thought she could trust. The trauma causes her to dissociate, and she must return to the hospital. 

Ten months later, Elena’s eating disorder disrupts her chance to serve as a residential assistant. When she shares that she has an eating disorder, she is taken to a counselor and checked on in the middle of the night without warning. The following day, her invitation to be a residential assistant is revoked. In the following months, Elena misses her sister’s wedding, wakes up late for an exam, and argues with her mother. She starts getting tattoos to symbolize parts of her identity, including one of a character from one of her mother’s books. 

Elena’s struggles intensify when she discovers she is pregnant but learns the pregnancy isn’t viable because of her poor health. She miscarries the same night, leading to feelings of profound guilt and responsibility for the loss. After spending three weeks lying in bed, she decides to return to treatment at a place called Clove House. While there, Elena dislikes and distrusts her therapist, and she takes medications that she doesn’t know much about. Elena befriends several patients, including a younger girl named Sam, who becomes a sister figure to her. During group therapy, Elena shares how her mother nearly died giving birth to her and had cancer for part of Elena’s childhood. Elena is reminded of her miscarriage, which stirs feelings of loss and anger. 

As Elena begins to gain weight, she becomes overwhelmed by homesickness and the departure of friends whose insurance runs out. Elena reveals to her parents that she was raped and experienced a miscarriage later in life, but it only makes her feel worse. She is prescribed more medication and switches to a new therapist, who wants Elena to start living on her own. Elena doesn’t feel ready for that and worries that she will die if left on her own. Struggling with self-harm and feelings of abandonment, Elena decides to leave Clove House.

Two months later, Elena’s health worsens as she loses the weight she gained and continues to purge after each meal. News of a friend’s death from Clove House hardly affects her in her numbed state. Elena’s parents try to convince her to gain weight by threatening to take away her privileges, but the attempt is ineffective and deepens Elena’s anger. She blames her parents for sending her away to boarding school, and she blames herself for the time she was raped. However, thoughts of her loved ones inspire her to try treatment again. 

At the treatment center, Sandalwood, Elena begins to improve. Her therapist helps her confront her self-hatred, rooted in blaming herself for the rape and miscarriage. Elena also finds clarity about her relationship with her mother, realizing how much her mother has done for her during her illness. In therapy, Elena opens up about her trauma, names the daughter she lost, and allows herself to grieve. Two years later, Elena is at nursing school pursuing her passion. She is still in recovery but now feels confident in her ability to manage her health.